What NOT to do on Earth Day

Earth Day is tomorrow. I could give you a song and dance about what you should do (install CFLS, bring own bag to grocery store, move to a wind-powered Ashram), but I’ll spare the harangue. Instead, here’s a list of what not to do on Earth Day. Sure, you won’t be saving the planet, but you won’t be doing anything offensively detrimental either—and that’s better than most Americans.

1. Use your leaf blower to dust off the driveway.
I know those pine needles really add up and look messy, but try to restrain yourself . . .

Smart! Leaf blowing the forest floor.
Photo courtesy leaf-blowers.com aka mostdestructiveleastnecessary.com

2. Drink FIJI Water . . . unless you actually live in FIJI.
Sure, filling a container ship full of water then pushing that ship full of water through the water—half way around the world—makes sense, but hey, “It’s labeled Fiji because it’s not bottled in Cleveland.”

3. Torch a couple luxury homes in the swank Seattle suburb of Woodinville.
Nice work eco-terrorists. Sure are giving us eco-folks a great name and credibility to boot.

4. Feed a cow beans.

5. Make a donation to “Global Warming is Bogus.”

6. Hold your breath . . . all day.
Holding your breath will certainly cut down on CO2 emissions. Good thinking! But, you will also die. And though one less person would be good for the planet, nobody really wants you to die.

7. Buy a polar bear fur coat.

Photo courtesy “Most Hideous in 1987”

8. Put a ” I <3 pollution" sticker on your car.
Bonus Points: car is Hummer H2.

9. Bundle up a large wad of toilet paper and double flush.

Photo courtesy funfunnystuff.com

10. Do nothing at all.